I’m starting out this criminal trespassing tale with the happy ending. Everyone is fine, and the bad dudes were caught.

Slow that heart rate. Sip some coffee.

Our family moved to small town Georgia a few months ago. The final piece to our moving puzzle is a job for my husband. While he works on that, he’s still employed in southern California. I almost never get to see him these days, and it sucks.

I’m not alone in raising Phil – my mom in law Carole is living here, too. She’s actually living with us in our house, while she builds a new home next door! It’s been insane, but a total blasty.

That’s all a story for another time.

My day to day routine leaves me pretty exhausted lately. I mean, we have a toddler. That’s enough right there. By the time 8pm hits, I’m a lost cause. Last Saturday night I was in my pajamas at 5:30pm. And I was happy about it.

So a few weeks ago, when Carole came into my room at 10:30pm, I was in the middle of a dead sleep.

“I hear an engine revving next door. Someone’s at the house.”

I was still groggy. “uhhh… whut?”

“SOMEONE IS AT MY HOUSE.”

Bolting up in bed, I saw Carole standing at my door putting her revolver in her robe pocket. I jumped out of bed, sleepily grabbed my phone, and threw on a robe and some boots. We headed for the door.

I opted to station myself at the front door to listen while Carole went to investigate. I couldn’t leave the house just yet. Phil was sleeping inside. Then I heard yelling.

Game On

I ran next door to find my mom in law aiming her revolver at two dudes in a white pickup truck. (Finger OFF the trigger, folks. Safety first.) She had asked them what they were doing there. They told her a lame excuse to the tune of “oh, the owner asked us to come over.”

“The heck they did!” she yelled at them.

They told her they were gonna call the cops on her for holding them at gunpoint.

She demanded they turn the light on inside the truck so she could see their faces even better. She started to reach for the door handle to whip it open and turn the light on.

“Carole, no!” I said, “We need a plate. We need a plate. We need a plate.”

I stepped backwards – off to the side, but to the rear of the truck. I started yelling their plate over and over and over again as they tore off into the night. I shouted the plate into the darkness as I grabbed my phone out of my pocket. I fumbled with the password, made my way to the Notes app, and jammed those letters and numbers into a fresh page as hard as I could.

I was like a crazy person.

But we had their license plate.

Carole called the cops and told them what happened. We gave them the license plate number. Three sheriff’s department units showed up and started talking to us about what had happened. My mom in law gave them a description of the guys in the truck. We had them walk through the darkened house build to make sure there was no damage. (Or any more random dudes.)

The deputies all of a sudden had to leave – they had gotten an rearault call.

As the officers drove away, Carole said, “You know I don’t wish any harm on anyone. But wouldn’t it be funny if it was our guys that they’re going to see?”

Downtime Abbey

The deputy we were speaking to said he’d be back to finish our report, so we waited up.

At this point it was almost midnight. I called Josh and we talked about what had happened. What we did right, what we could’ve done better next time. That’s how it is with situations like this in our family. We replay the scenarios like some people do football plays.

I texted Jenn.

Carole made coffee.

I’m pretty sure she was wired enough to not need it.

Phil continued to sleep.

Wrap It Up, I’ll Take It

The sheriff’s deputy returned with our adventure tied up in a neat little bow like a present.

He said these guys were drunk. We had scared them so badly, they went home and started fighting with each other. Whether one called the cops on the other, or a neighbor called the cops on them both is unclear. But the two of us standing our ground freaked them out so much they went home and got themselves caught by the cops.

They told the cops a story about needing to use the porta potty that was located at the house build, and that’s why they had stopped. Criminal trespassing wasn’t on their agenda, but one of the brothers had noticed horses in our pasture and wanted a closer look.

Yeah right, guys. Yeah right.

They also told the cops they had recently moved here from Atlanta. And they were upset we pulled a gun on them.

The deputy told them calmly, “Boys, you’re in southeast Georgia now. You go runnin’ around on other people’s land in the middle of the night, that’s what you’re gonna find here.”

In the end, it was just a criminal trespassing report and nothing more. As I gave my personal details for the report, I asked if it would be in the paper’s police blotter. “If so, for occupation please put ‘Hearts and Laserbeams provides affordable graphic and web design services to Effingham County and beyond,’” I told him.

He laughed, saying no one liked his reports because they were too wordy to begin with.

“Put graphic designer, then.” (wah wah wahhhhhh.)

I love that these two dudes were found. When the sheriff’s department showed up at their rearault call finding the truck with the license plate number we had given them, they knocked on the door ready for anything. I feel pretty good these trespassers won’t be back.

I’m thankful that someone’s looking out for us, and that this ended as well as it did. It could have gone another way.

What We Should Have Done Differently

In our instant replay of the criminal trespassing scenario, there are things I would do differently next time. Next time:

• I’ll bring my revolver, too.
• We’ll call 911 the second we think something is wrong instead of waiting to see what’s going on and then calling when it’s over.
• Please God, don’t let there be a next time.

The Next Morning

We walked through Carole’s house in progress the next morning to rerearure ourselves that no damage had been done. Walking back to our house afterward, I saw what had alerted Carole to the presence of these two dudes the night before. There’s a lot of sand where the septic tank’s been installed, and the truck’s tires had gotten stuck. The loud noises she heard the night before was the engine revving as they tried to get away.

What to Take Away from Our Criminal Trespassing Adventure

A fellow creative asked if he should buy a gun to protect his family recently on Facebook. A string of pro and anti gun comments followed. The one that stuck out was from a gal who said she lived in one of the most dangerous neighborhoods in Los Angeles, and nothing ever happened to her.

That’s like going to Ethiopia for a vacation and coming back saying “I don’t know why everyone says they’re starving, I found some great restaurants.”

If it’s not happening to you…

It doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

I’m not expecting you to leave this blog post looking over your shoulder for bad guys that are out to steal your purse or even the copper wiring from your house build. You don’t have to change your views and become pro gun if you’re not.

I do expect you to read this, realize crap happens, and take some steps to take care of yourself. Think about ordering a couple of super bright LED Flashlights. Throw a pocket knife in your purse. Pick up some pepper spray. Consider one of those cheap prepaid phones to have on hand for emergencies in case your iPhone’s battery dies. I have this taser,
and it’s a great option if you don’t have any experience with firearms.

Be aware that stuff happens.

Be ready for it.

Be safe out there.

I heart you.