“Army” by Ben Folds Five

Well I thought about the army

Dad said, son you’re effing high

And i thought, yeah there’s a first for everything

So i took my old man’s advice

Three sad semesters

It was only fifteen grand spent in bed

I thought about the army

I dropped out and joined a band instead

Grew a moustache and a mullet

Got a job at Chik-Fil-A

Citing artistic differences

The band broke up in may

And in June reformed without me

And they’d got a different name

I nuked another Grandma’s apple pie

And hung my head in shame

I’ve been thinking a lot today

I’ve been thinking a lot today

Oh, I think I’ll write a screenplay

Oh, I think I’ll take it to LA

Oh, I think I’ll get it done yesterday

In this time of introspection

On the eve of my election

I say to my reflection

God, please spare me more rejection

‘Cause my peers, they criticize me

And my ex-wives all despise me

Try to put it all behind me

But my redneck past is nipping at my heels

I’ve been thinking a lot today

I’ve been thinking a lot today

I’ve been thinking a lot today

I thought about the army…

****************************************

First a moment of silence for Kat’s cat. I can’t remember if it was towards the end of high school or during one of my breaks from college, but I found our cat in the street in front of our house and she had met the same end. And it totally blows.

And everyone’s a bunch of lying rearholes. During our phone conversation last night Michelle told me she’d write something new on her blog. Go look. She’s a darn dirty liar and I hate her guts. Which is why I’m so excited to go back to California on Wednesday.

Yup, Wednesday. I’m a darn dirty liar, too. I changed my plans again, and will be going to bed almost as soon as I get home from work on Tuesday – I can set up the vcr myself for blessed blessed 24 goodness. Then I’ll get up at 1am and drive down to ChickAGo with a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’ll be dark, and I’ll be wearing sunglasses. Hit it.

Except for the part where I don’t smoke.

And the other reason I’m a darn dirty liar is I said I wouldn’t want to see The Matrix when I got back. Dude, Danielle, we all totally have to go. It’s darn good, and if I don’t take you, you’ll probably have to wait til it comes out on video, which would be a crime against humanity that I cannot allow. It’s just a matter of picking a time when everyone can go. I get into LAX at 10am or so on Wednesday – you’re in school, ahhahahaahah! Michelle and me and probably her darn-heck-rear cool kids are going down to the beach for a little while, then we’re painting her kitchen blue. Maybe if we’re done early evening I’ll blow my cover a day early and come over and ask if anyone wants to go to the movies or something.

Thursday is Jacob’s bday party, so I think the whole day is mostly that. No movie time for me. suck. But here’s a funny bit from me and michelle’s phone conversation last night: (it took place after Michelle complained that Joe’s like a little kid; everything she cleans up for the party is messy again 10 minutes later)

Me – “I can help you clean up around the house for Jacob’s party.”

(pause)

Michelle – “Really?”

(another pause)

Me – “NO, IDIOTHOLE! I’m on vacation! I’m not cleaning your darn house!!!!”

(both of us laughing)

Friday I’m open til around 7ish, when we’re going out to Sing Sing to drink and be stupid.

The biggest chunk I’ll get with you guys is Saturday – I think we’re all going to the swap meet. Then there’s all kinds of free time all day, and at night (around 7 or 8) Michelle and I are going out to ESPN Zone at Downtown Disney to see Crystal get drunk and make more of an rear of herself than she already is for her birthday.

I was totally dumb about getting my flight for Sunday morning – I forgot the next day was Memorial Day, meaning no werky-jerky, and also meaning it didn’t matter what time I got back to Oshkosh on Sunday night. So I got an early flight out of LAX so I’d get back to ChickAGo with plenty of time to breeze through Ikea before making the 3 hour tour back to the OK. I finally realized this mistake early last week, and called Southwest Airlines to change my flight time. To leave Cali at 3pm instead of 7am that day would cost an additional $282. That’s 282 dollars on top of the 175 I already gave them. So, unfortunately for me I gotta be at the port of air at 5am on Sunday. Suck. Here’s to better planning next time.

The thing that really sucks is A) Jacob’s birthday falls while y’all are still in school, which robs us of during the day hangout time and B) there’s a limited number of vacation days to be had, and if I want to come out again later in the year I can’t use them all now. I miss college, when summer vacation was a full 3 months. But it will be good times, mark my words. And you have to hurry up and turn 21 so we can go out and be drunk and stupid together. By the time you’re 21 I should be moved back to the homeland again, I hope.

I can’t believe it’s quarter to 10 already. I was up at like 8.

In other rad-rear news, the White Stripes are coming to Milwaukee on July 5. Be there or be dumb.

And someday my beloved Offspring will release their new cd and go on tour. *sigh*

So that’s it – I’m saving the best Cali song ever for Tuesday’s blog. How’s that for a cliffhanger? Come back and check it out or I’ll find you and kill you. The end.